Morbid Remorse
by TheDeadButterfly
Summary: Hiei mourns the loss of a dear friend. Tearjerker I hope. plz R&R ::NO SLASH:: and sorry if Hiei is a little OOC


Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue. Get the point.  
  
Summary: Hiei mourns the loss of a dear friend.  
  
Morbid Remorse  
  
I had wanted to wear those tears with pride, to not wipe them from my face. But if I left them there all that I had struggled for would be lost. He was gone, Kurama was gone. So I bore those tears with pride forsaking my dignity, coldheartedness, all I had fought for.  
  
I wasn't really cold and cruel like most people thought. I felt things just like any normal person would. Pain, sorrow, joy, giddiness, love, hate. Pain, he was gone. Sorrow, I would never see him again. Joy, maybe he was in a better place. Giddiness, everything was beginning to spin. Love, I loved-no, love him. Hate, but I hated him now. I hated him for leaving me. He was the only one who understood. Understood me.  
  
I screamed out of pure frustration and anger,"Why?! I hate you! Why did you... leave... me?" I sank to my knees sobbing between words.  
  
After I brought my self together, piece by shattered piece, I walked to Urameshi's.  
  
"Are you alright, Hiei?" asked he while opening the door to his abode. Since Kurama was ... gone, I would sleep in Urameshi's room tonight.  
  
"My only friend, the only one who understands, is gone. I'm fine, how are you?" I answered sullenly and stepped inside. He led me to his room in an unbreakable silence.  
  
"You're sleeping with me on the futon," Urameshi commanded.  
  
"Hn." I was to tired and full of morbid remorse to fight him.  
  
It was already late, so we slept.  
  
I knew that he heard my pitiful sobs and I knew that I was keeping him awake. I tried to muffle them by burying my face into the pillow but the mental anguish was becoming unbearable. Before long I realized that Urameshi was weeping, also. Finally he turned to face me.  
  
"I'm sorry Hiei, oh god, I'm sorry," he wailed. I turned on my side and complied to him, all the while trying to keep my bottom lip from quivering from all of the shed tears.  
  
"I am too." We craned necks and touched foreheads. Both of us fell asleep that way.  
  
Morning came to quick for my grief, and only came to spite me.  
  
Urameshi had asked me to speak at the funeral. Almost everyone Kurama had known was there. He did have a way of making and keeping friends. A wistful smile crept onto my face.  
  
When it was time, I nervously walked to the front podium behind the casket. Kurama's casket. I tried not to look at him, I knew that the moment I did I would flood the whole room.  
  
"Kurama was a really great guy,"I began trying to quickly swallow the lump in my throat."He always had a way of making and keeping friends as you can see by the number of people here. He was-still is my dearest friend. I adored and confided in him. He was the only one who really seemed to understand. Just a week ago I couldn't have imagined life without him, and now-well... I-I'm sorry... I can't..."My eyes wandered to the casket and I felt the warmth trickling down my cheeks but I didn't care. For the first time in my life I was crying in front of ningens and it didn't bother me. He looked so serene, but he looked so before when he was... alive. I slumped down the podium and brought my hands to my face.  
  
"Oh god... I miss him already... what about the rest of my life... what about... Why Kurama? Why couldn't it have been me?" I wailed uncontrollably. Then I saw the quick movements of Urameshi and Kuwabara coming to console me. As they approached I glanced the tears running down their faces too. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. I felt so alone without him, so helpless.  
  
"Why, Kurama, why?" I continued to whisper, reaching for the casket and hoping that an alive and well Kurama would reach back. But noone did. Then I realized something. The sorrow would forever sting its way into my heart. I would always feel this morbid remorse for the rest of all eternity.  
  
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How was it? plz R&R!!!! 


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